Marriage In Quarantine
Very early in my marriage, I remember seeing “War of the Roses,” a very dark comedy about a marriage and divorce starring Kathleen Turner and Michael Douglas. At one point in the movie, Kathleen Turner’s character turns to her husband, played by Michael Douglas, and says, “Everytime I look at you lately, I just want to smash your face in." Shortly after seeing the movie, my husband and I were discussing that scene at a dinner party with other newly married couples. When I shared with them how hysterical I thought it was and that I could imagine how you might find a reason, over time, to feel like you want to punch your spouse’s face in, they looked at me with abject horror. I remember saying, “So there's nothing they do that makes you want to run them over with your car multiple times?" At that point, that my husband kicked me under the table and gave me that look that meant, “Reel it in, NOW. Your brand of sarcasm might not be the newlywed dinner table type.”
Tap, tap, tap, tap,tap….Oh my God, I can’t stand the way he taps his fingers on the salt shaker. Now, he’s going to bang it on the table not believing any is coming out, although there is enough salt on his plate to line a margarita glass. BANG! Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap. I want to smash his face in.
It’s thirty-four years later, and I’m learning that quarantining together with your loved ones takes an almost saint-like amount of generosity, self-control and patience. I am no Mother Theresa, and I’ve been known to lack some impulse control even on good days, so a month in to forced togetherness is really straining my reserves. I’m doing my best to look at our marriage as our solace and our greatest strength during this time, but I can see very clearly how this experience places marriages under microscopes, magnifying the cracks and stresses we thought were so well hidden.
I get my practical and romantic views about marriage from both my grandparents and parents. Both had/have very successful marriages and both made sure that we knew that having a strong marriage was hard work. When my grandparents celebrated their fiftieth wedding anniversary, my grandmother took a moment to say a few words including, "It's been a wonderful forty years.” Assuming she'd lost it there for a second, we stepped in to correct her and said, "No, Nana, it's been fifty years." She smiled and replied, "Oh I know. Ten weren't so great."At that time, I was somewhat shocked and a little disappointed because I never imagined that my grandparents could have been anything other than blissfully, continually happy.
Then I got married myself and had my own kids and began to understand exactly what she meant. Marriage is cyclical and can experience ebbs and flows. At some points you are passionately and madly in love, and at other times, you are partners, just holding on to the day-to-day, working together to get it all done. Other times, you are best friends, bound together by common interests and the joy felt when spending time together. And then there are the days, you may not like each other very much. What my grandmother was conveying by her words was, that in order to make a successful marriage, you need to be willing to have the patience to wait out the tough times and to be confident that the better ones would cycle back around soon. She knew that marriages can fall apart when normal tides of emotions changed, or tough times came around, and that people had a tendency to jump ship, imagining that a new and better relationship was just a short swim to shore. In fact, what she understood from her own experience, was that it was during those times that you needed to hold onto the dinghy for just a little longer, because the majestic ship headed to the Greek Islands would be coming by for you soon.
To be fair, I’m pretty sure Nana never imagined days like these. There is no respite from our forced togetherness, there are unprecedented challenges coming at us from every direction and even the strongest of marriages may struggle. The other night, the love of my life was asleep on his back and snorted, then chewed as if he was enjoying a five-course meal. I imagined plugging his nose to see how long it might take for him to gasp for air. About a week ago, when he opened the refrigerator and asked, "Where's the hot sauce?" and half the neighborhood could’ve seen it from their own recliners, I fantasized about filling the toothpaste tube with hot sauce. DAILY when he has the TV remote and still can't come to terms with the fact that the universal remote does not control the volume, yes, even though, it's a universal remote, and calls me for the umpteenth time from the family room to fix it, I try not to imagine shoving that universal remote someplace equally remote. As-a-matter-of-fact there are countless times lately where I find myself just dying to say, “When I look at you lately, I just want to smash your face in.”
I’m doing my best as we all shelter in place, to try to see beyond today and remember that the all-luxury suite cruise ship to the Greek Islands is just around this treacherous cove. I keep Nana’s words close to my heart and know that when I get up to give my own speech at my fiftieth wedding anniversary party, I will not only look fabulous, but I will impart equally powerful advice to my own granddaughter, reminding her that for a few months back in 2020, I had some “smash your face in” days, but I also experienced many “thank goodness he’s with me” days.
As for the present, I’ll hold steady, wait for the sun to shine again, and on those less than perfect days, I’ll use my time to invent really creative ways to hide the body.
Hold steady my friends, fair seas are ahead!