5 Things No One Over 50 Should Ever Own

  The day I turned fifty, it was like some signal went out from my brain to the rest of my body, saying, "yup, it's today, you can begin the decline."  Seriously, from that day on, it's like the wheels have started to fall off a little bit at a time.  Every day it's some new ailment, some new ache to discover and attempt to ignore.  Truth be told, it's terrifying.  One day you can read your book, the next it has to be down by your toes for you to see one word.Waking up to a giant zit on your chin is one thing, waking up semi-blind is quite another.  Of course, I'm exaggerating, but what I'm not overstating is how disconcerting all of this can be.  My plan was to drop the last kid at college, head to the airport and start all that world traveling "footloose and kid free" that my husband and I had been talking about for years.  Time to board the European river cruise, right?Not so fast as it turns out.  So while waiting to head to the Rhone or the Rhine, I've had some time to discover a few things that have made the wheels falling off a little easier to deal with. Here are:5 Things No One Over 50 Should Ever Own:1.  A magnified, lighted mirror:  One might think that this would be a helpful tool for those of us who can no longer see beyond the end of one's nose.  Think again. It is MUCH better not to be able to see things quite so close up.  Having some over- the- counter glasses to help with reading, crossword puzzles and Candy Crush is fine, but the lighted bathroom magnification mirror is a recipe for disaster.  Why, might you ask?2.  At at-home waxing kit:  Here's why.  Once you've been down the rabbit hole and seen your face in one of those mirrors, you will wax every extraneous hair off it and any other part of your body within reach. It's as if you can't stop regardless of the agony. Let me save you this humiliation.  Remember, if you can't see it, most likely the people you are hanging around with can't see those whiskers either.  Go ahead and pluck here and there, but keep the waxing to the professionals and out of your own home.3.  A convertible car:  Nothing, short of some affair with an under thirty year -old screams midlife crisis more than a woman over fifty in a convertible.  We know you have been driving a mini-van for years, we know you've dreamed about only having two doors, we know that you only want to have room enough for two bodies, but don't do it.  If being that obviously pathetic doesn't stop you, keep in mind that the number of wrinkles and the level of skin cancer risk goes right through that roof you just put down. Also, consider that the sun will strip that hair color you just paid for right out in minutes.  That's just not sexy.4.  Shoes with heels higher than two inches:  If this isn't obvious by the screaming pain in your feet, your back or both, it soon will be.  Who are we kidding?  Your bones are disintegrating at an alarming rate already and you've surely been diagnosed with osteoporosis or osteopenia by now.  There are plenty of shoes that can look good and feel good even without having to resort to anything with "ortho" as a prefix.5.  Wool anything:  This should be obvious to most women over 50 out there.  However, to those of you whom may not have experienced what can only be described as being aflame, let me suggest not purchasing wool anything in the near future.  When the heat starts in your chest and begins its way up your neck, into your face and makes your hair feel like it's dancing on your head, you want something easy to remove, that doesn't make you claw your skin raw from itching and that was not meant to keep animals warm outdoors in frigid temperatures.  After 50, one needs to "wick...” often...like in the middle of the night when awakened in a pool of your own sweat, or on a bus packed with your husband's co-workers on the way to a formal dinner...Enough said; no wool.Hopefully, this will make things easier but I fear this is a list that has endless possibilities.  Who knows what I'll wake up with tomorrow morning?  Perhaps it will be another mole that looks suspicious, maybe plantar fasciitis, eczema, or rosacea?  Ah, the mystery of it all; it’s so exciting!  What malady struck you at 50?