Emptying The Nest: 5 Ways To Make Drop-Off Day At College A Success
goodbye
At the end of August of my 17th year, my parents loaded up their car and drove their oldest child to college. I was nervous, but in that excited, rumbly way; worried about the roommate, the classes, the food, and all of that stuff, but anxious to start this new adventure. I'm pretty sure my dad was feeling the same way I was. My mom, on the other hand, seemed nearly catatonic; acting as though if she ignored what was happening around her, nothing would happen. Suffice it to say, she wasn't coping well. My mom and I were close, and as her first, in her mind, my leaving was as though there had been a death in the family.
After move in and unpacking, the family lunch and the convocation, it was time to say goodbye. It was in that moment, my mother chose to drop to her knees, wrap herself around my legs and sob. I stood, stock still and mortified in the parking lot of my dorm, new acquaintances awkwardly staring at me, until my dad finally stepped in, wrestled her to a standing position and helped her to the car. It's a moment neither of us will soon forget. So when it was time for my own to leave for college, having a newfound understanding of her stress and her agony, but vowing to never repeat the dorm parking lot fiasco, I knew I needed a plan. By sharing my plan, hopefully, I can save many of you from that same fate.
5 Steps To A Successful College Drop-off Day:
1. Allow the emotion: Understand that this will be hard for you and that you will cry a bit, but do everyone a favor and try to do your best to do the major sobbing ahead of time. A few weeks before my first child left for college, I was in bed when I heard him come home. From my bedroom I could see the family room light come on, and I realized that, in just a few short days, I wouldn't be able to smile knowing he was home, safe and sound downstairs watching a little TV before bed. Feeling sucker punched to the gut, I got up and went downstairs. I stood in front of him and in one look, he knew. He got out of the chair and hugged me while I sobbed. Neither of us needed to say a word. I soaked the front of his shirt, apologized for soaking it and then thanked him for letting me lose it. He smiled and said, "no worries." Saying goodnight, I headed up to bed. It was awesome and perfectly cathartic.
2. Spend A Full Day Together: There is a lot of shopping, packing, organizing and planning to accomplish before a kid leaves for college. I told each of mine that a few weeks before they left, they owed me a full day with no interruptions to accomplish it. It’s become one of my favorite days to spend with my kids as we shop, pack, talk, and, when the car is stuffed with everything on the lists and on my “to do” list, we enjoy each other’s company over a special meal at their favorite restaurant. Never one to miss out on forced quality time with the kids, my husband also takes a day with each of them. While I prepare their living space, he takes the day to prepare them with life skills. Making sure they know exactly what we expect of them, he goes over how to get and ask for help and how to avoid the pitfalls of college life. They have a full day, a dinner out and some dad bonding. It's been great for each of us and, hopefully, for them.
3. Plan your Drop Off Day Activities and Exit Time: Drop off days are fairly consistent from college to college. Once dorm move in and a few family activities are over, eventually and painfully, it's time for the parents to get out. Most colleges will have the day meticulously planned and will send out a schedule well in advance. Go over it with your student and have an agreed upon plan for the exit. I tell my kids that, for my sanity, I need to help set up their room, make their beds and help unpack. I feel far better if when I leave, I have left them safely and securely organized in their new space. What they do when I'm gone is up to them, and I'm pretty sure my third undid all of my efforts, but at least he allowed me to feel good about leaving him for a little while. When it is time to go, be sure to follow the plan! This assures that the leave taking doesn't come by surprise and you are prepared for and can make a graceful exit. This was a lesson I learned after we dropped off our oldest. I was ready; my husband, not so much. He sat in the driver's seat of the car looking as shocked as if an alien was seated next to him. Needless to say, I drove home. Have a plan! Follow the plan!!
4. Write A Letter To Your Child: I have done this for all three of my kids and am so glad I did. Each time I've sat down to write them their "Going Off To College Letter From Mom," I've sobbed through the entire thing. Having gotten all the tears going ahead of time makes the moment they walk away from you and into the arms of this new campus, new friends, and new life, so much easier. Don't save all the things you want to say to them for that split second when their new friends are waiting for them to head to the student center for their first meal together. Don't wrap your arms around their legs and tell them that the moment of their birth was the best thing that ever happened to you. Don't, don't, don't! Write the letter, and give it to them about a week or so before they go, leaving it up to them to read when they want. Be sure to keep a copy for yourself! I know mine all read theirs before they left, and I also noticed that they all packed it when they went. Knowing that they know how much they mean to you is enough to make you feel good about letting them head into their new lives. So say it all in advance in writing. It helps to make the burning throat and the filling eyes as you exit so much more manageable.
5. Have The Next Time You See Them Marked On The Calendar: My mom always told me that a vacation is more easily ended if you have something to look forward to already planned. The same holds true here. When you are setting up their desks and calendars, sorting pencils, highlighters and opening calculator packaging, take a sharpie and, in bold letters on their calendar, mark down "Parents' Weekend" or whatever the next occasion where you will see one another will be. Having a date pre-planned gives everyone something to look forward to and makes the time apart seem less overwhelming.
Even though mine are all college graduates now, I can still remember each and every one of their drop off days. It did get easier, but would have been an epic fail all three times if I hadn’t followed my own advice. It’s an emotional time, but if you embrace it, let them know how much they mean to you in writing ahead of time and not while wrapped around their legs in their dorm parking lot, and follow a plan, you and they will survive it! God speed and good luck!