As God has a sense of humor and I obviously planned poorly, it turned out that my 50th birthday coincidentally fell about a month before we dropped off the last of my three children at college.  It felt like I was simultaneously slapped across the face and punched in the stomach, and overnight I had become old and obsolete.  My kids were gone and after twenty-five years of being a stay at home mom, I had no idea who I was or what the hell I was supposed to do next.I suppose our childless situation makes my husband and I “empty nesters;” the ones you see that are having wine at 4:30 in the afternoon, because dinner is in an hour and bed is at 9:00 after NCIS and the local traffic and weather update. Technically, we aren’t there yet because our 2nd child has returned home to live for a while after graduating college while she looks for full-time employment.  While it’s true that we are still financially supporting her, she is an adult, although when I walk by her room or see her laundry spilling over into the living room from the laundry room it can be a bit hard to remember. I could consider us empty nesters because the law no longer considers us responsible for our kids, meaning I don’t have to find a way to convince my brother or sister that they would be fantastic guardians and that my kids would make wonderful additions to their own families should my husband and I go down in a fiery plane crash over the Atlantic on our way home from a magical and romantic week in Paris.  The government says that we have done our job as required by law. Plus, other than a few more years of college tuition, we are released from our financial responsibilities as well. We are really off the hook. I am amazed daily by this fact. What is more amazing to me is how we got here. It’s cliché, but true; life just sort of happened and now here we are. Turning 5-0 is a big deal.  Not because of the age itself; let’s face it, we either accept getting older or we are dead, and I’ll take getting older, thanks.  It’s a big deal because in my situation, it was a milestone that marked a big change in my life and I have to say, I’m not a fan of change. I enjoy routine, I don’t like to delve too deep or search too far.  I like to sweep things under rugs and float on the surface of life, on a nice calm lake.  I consider myself a fair weather wife, friend and parent and, for the most part, other than the usual life crap, we’ve had great weather. I am not sure I would like what I might find out about myself had things ever gotten really tippy.  Turning 50 means I need to make a splash, reinvent myself, be something other than three kids’ mom and one very fortunate guy’s wife.  I’ve got to tip some things and I am struggling with this, not only out of fear of change, but also because, for the life of me, I can’t remember me.  I was watching old home videos the other day and I realized that I don’t remember the kids either.  I’ll have flashes of recollection, but the flashes are mostly big event memories like vacations or holidays. I can’t get a hold of what it felt like day to day. I know I wanted to be a mom and wanted to stay home with them and I know I was having fun along the way and that we had the typical frustrations, bad days, money issues and stresses, but I can’t get a sense of what it was like while we were in it.  I panic watching because I don’t want to look back on today 20 years from now and not remember now either.  I have this urgency to seize the day and do something dramatic, a need to make the best out of every minute and unfortunately, I haven’t a clue as to what to do to make that happen.For now, I’ll take some time to adjust, to watch old home videos and reminisce.  I’ll try to recall who I was before I became a mom, wife, PTA President,  builder of playgrounds,  fundraiser, master carpooler, booster club member, and home room mom.  I’ll ease into 50 gracefully, go out to lunch, catch up on bad television, good books and maybe consider changing my face cream to one with retinol.  I’ll start there and see how it goes.  That has to be good enough for today.