Helicopter Parenting: 5 Times When It's A Good Thing
Week 36: Helicopter Parent
Are you a helicopter parent? I know I am. I am even ashamed about it sometimes, yet I still can't seem to quit even realizing it might be hurting my child. Why is that? The simple answer is because I'm a mother who wants the best for her child and, as a mom, I live by the adage, "if you want something done right, do it yourself." I know Johnny can build the log house, but I can make it better and definitely faster with less mess. I know Brian could get the job, but not unless he cleans up that resume and I know just what's missing. Clearly, Carrie didn't read the directions for the essay or she wouldn't be missing the perfect thesis statement. Let me just jot it down for her.
I am living proof that sometimes it gets hard to draw the line. We often helicopter at the expense of our children's growth. We do too much, protect from too much, speak too much and even care too much. (Remember when you were up nights crafting that speech to the coach because you knew how unfair it was that Bobby wasn't starting, except Bobby seemed perfectly content and had no desire to talk to the coach?) However, before you go beating yourself up too much, I have discovered that there are actually several times that you should helicopter. And, it could be argued that to not do so may hurt your child.
So, when is it ok to buzz around full throttle?
5 Times It's Ok To Helicopter:
1. When your child is injured or sick: This is not the time to test how grown up and independent your child has become. I recently learned this the hard way when my son got hurt at college. He was far from home, but he sounded like he had it handled and I wanted to let him handle it although part of me thought, "he could be a marine in Iraq right now," and yet "he's also the kid who slept through his time management mid-term." So, I allowed him to cope for a bit, but when the doctor said the word CT-scan, I flew down and took over. Within four hours I was completely up to speed and he had signed that HIPAA waiver. Don't risk your child's health and safety by choosing that time to let them be on their own. Had I done that, it’s altogether possible my child would've lost his eye.
2. When it's clear they are over their heads with peers, teachers, bosses or coaches: Most of the time, I believe that a kid has to work out their own relationships. It's important for them to learn communication skills, the art of negotiation and how to resolve conflict. However, there are times when the stakes are too high and the outcome too important. Don't send your him or her in alone to deal with bullies, bad teachers or scary coaches. Follow the proper channels, but they need your guidance and counsel in these areas. It's ok to advocate with and for your child in these situations.
3. The college application process: I can't tell you how many parents lament that their student hasn't chosen where they want to go, hasn't started applications or hasn't contacted guidance counselors etc. In my experience it is the rare teenager that has his crap together. The rest of them are barely keeping their heads above water dealing with classes, friends, jobs, sports, unending testing, feeding the homeless and attending to their social media. They have no idea where they want to go, what they want to be when they grow up or how to even begin the process. Unless you are willing to risk your them living home with you for the next 4 years, you need to be involved. Applying to college these days is nothing like it used to be. Even the brightest, most organized and self- motivated kids need assistance to get through it.
4. The college schedule/registration process: Crank up the propellers. Once your student has been accepted somewhere, the packet comes. You need to read it about eight times to figure out what classes your kid needs to take. Whatever you do, do not leave this to him/her to decide. Between the "university core," the language and English requirements, the quantitative methods requirement, the global studies initiative and the "major sequence," you'll be lucky your head is still attached when you've finished reading and you may believe that your child will need to be in school for eight years to complete it all. IF you take over, you might get lucky enough to only pay for those four years.
5. When they ask for your help: Chopper in immediately and consider this a miracle moment. Rarely will kids ask for your interference, your expertise, or your counsel. So when they do, consider it an opportunity for you to do something meaningful with and for your child. Sometimes the "ask" might not be obvious and may be seen only in behaviors that you understand. Don't miss the obvious and not so obvious cries for help, and when they do come, be ready to respond.
If you are helicoptering in other areas as well, try to step back. Learning to succeed and to manage failure are important steps to building self confidence, and they can only learn those lessons through their own trial and error. Allow your kids to learn how to cope, to build strong relationships and to develop life skills. However, when those circumstances arise when helicoptering is not only allowed, but encouraged, feel free to buzz on over.