It's Not Just About The Dorm: Six Ways To Prepare Your Kid For College

 In a few days or weeks from now, kids from all over will load up cars, say goodbye to their hometown friends and families and head off to college for the first time. For many, preparations for this day have been going on for years.  Some are athletes and have been working to get onto college teams since 3rd grade.  Some have been preparing academically and have taken several SAT/ACT prep classes and have earned enough AP credits to technically already be sophomores.  Applications have been filled out, campuses have been visited, the waiting is over and the decisions have been made.

More recently, your own preparations included trips to Bed Bath and Beyond, Target and Walmart resulting in a dedicated "staging area" in your home full of bedding, matching towels, plastic carryalls for toiletries, laundry baskets, detergent, dishes, hotplates, flatscreen TV's, desk lamps, under bed storage bins and the "can't live without" mini Keurig machine.  Lists have been made, new shoes and clothes have been packed, and now, finally, the car is loaded up, leaving barely enough legroom for the trip.  It's time and they are prepared.  But are they?

There is no doubt that they have most of what they will need to live comfortably at school.  Their room will be well organized, they will have their books, and their class schedule is in hand.  They've been in touch with their roommates, have a campus map at the ready and understand their meal plans.But have you truly prepared them for college life?  Because succeeding there requires far more preparation than simply checking off a list of "suggested items to pack."  They need to come armed and ready and the only way they can get to that stage is through your guidance and counsel.

Here are a few of the things that we decided our kids needed to know before we ever even left the driveway:

1.  You  don't have "wingmen" yet:  At home, your student has friends that they can count on.  Their friends have been in your home, they know your family and they will have a certain loyalty to your child.  Make sure that your child understands that, although they are making new friends everyday, loyalty takes time to develop.  Kids should not assume that anyone is really looking out for them like they are used to, and that, at least in the beginning, no one is making sure he gets home safely, doesn't drink too much, or is doing what he should be.

2.  There are no parents at college:  You would think this is obvious, but you might be surprised at how unprepared kids are to witness what that really means. Many college students arrive at school having  little freedom by their parents to make decisions and to be independent and they simply lose their minds with the lack of boundaries and accountability. Believe it or not, all that "free for all" can be very disconcerting to some kids.  I prepare my kids for what they may experience by granting more and more independence over the years as they approach college.  Little by little, and as they earn trust, we allow  them to practice making good decisions in bad situations where, most likely, they are in the company of people they know. The hope is that this practice helps them to be ready to do the same in a dorm or frat house full of strangers later.  After all, these are adults you are sending into the world and they need to make it without mommy and daddy.  They have to learn how to swim with the sharks before you release them in to the wild and, believe me, it can get pretty wild...If you haven't been that parent who has loosened the reins a bit over time, don't panic. But make sure you talk to your kid about what he may be witnessing and try to supply him with real life solutions and strategies to get out of situations in which he may find himself.

3.  Make sure they fully understand that, a.) Binge drinking can kill you.  b.) Drugs are illegal and extremely dangerous/lethal.  c.) Having a baby and living at home in your basement is not nearly as fun as going to college:  All kids know this, but they don't know this.  Show them.  I've gone over statistics.  I've discussed scenarios, quizzed them on alcohol content and I've demonstrated what an ounce looks like. We've discussed the consequences of drug use; loss of control, addiction, and jail.  I've told them what it will cost them financially should they father/have a baby, I've discussed birth control, STD's, the dangers of casual sex, sexual assault and the meaning of consent and made my expectations about all of it very clear.  I've shown them multiple videos multiple times and driven them absolutely crazy with information.  Even with all of that, they will make bad decisions.  But, under no circumstances can any of my kids ever say to me, "You never told me that." Or, misunderstand and think, "Adderall and Xanax are safe, they're prescriptions."  Don't allow your discomfort about a subject to keep you from telling your kids what you expect and require of them.  They listen more than you think they do and they absolutely need to hear it from you.

4. If someone is in trouble, make sure they know that you expect them to help or get help:  No kid will ever regret calling an ambulance or an RA if they or someone else needs help, but they will most assuredly regret it if they don't. Nothing has horrified me more than the recent Penn State fraternity hazing death of a student who was intoxicated and fell down a flight of stairs.  NOT ONE of the members of his fraternity called for help for 12 hours! It's unimaginable, yet happens more often than we would like to think. Make sure you child knows and fully understands that you expect them to MAKE THAT CALL.  Most schools have an amnesty program now that ensures that those that need help and the kids who get help won't face any repercussions or disciplinary actions. Go over it with your child so that they know what it's about long before they arrive on campus.  I CANNOT imagine losing a child or having a child assaulted because someone was too afraid to step in themselves or to call for help, so I made sure my kids understood that I expected them to step up or step in if necessary no matter what. When each one of them found themselves in a situation where another student needed help, all three made those calls and I know it's because they heard my screeching, preaching voice in the back of their heads.

5.  Going to college is a privilege: While I want my kids' college experiences to be fun, exciting and all it can be, I also make sure that they realize that this is expensive stuff and is not a 4 year vacation. As parents, tell them that you expect them to act like adults and work hard, to do well in class and to respect the sacrifice being made for them.  I even go so far as to break down the cost of one class, so they know what it means if they skip it. Put it in terms they understand.  Tell them that if they miss three classes in a semester, it could cost as much as they made all summer sweating their butts off pumping gas. This, they get. And, if they have skin in the game themselves and are paying/taking out loans, remind them that their financial debt will be much easier to bear if they feel they got their money’s worth. Hungover on a couch, sleeping in, playing video games or watching reruns of “The Office” instead of being in class is not time and money well spent.

6.  Tell them how much they are loved and give them an army to stand with them:  Of course you love them and of course they know that, but again, they don't really know that.  Take the time to look them in the eye, tell them that they mean the world to you, and that there are lots of people in and outside of your family that care about them and are rooting for them. Knowing that they have a support system can be incredibly reassuring for the times they do screw up.  Also, on the flip side,  knowing that should they screw up, lots of people could be disappointed, may just keep them from making that really stupid, really rash decision in that really bad moment.  Give them an army to stand with and by them. I wrote each of my kids a letter before they left for college and kept a copy for myself. In it, I reminded them, IN WRITING, how important they were to us and how much they were loved. I like to think that if they were ever feeling homesick or having a tough time, they referred back to that letter. More likely, it went into the drawer with the other "mom" stuff I sent them with like articles on college time management strategies and the list of tutors available on campus...

I know it's a terrifying time, but if they are truly armed and prepared, it is also so exciting. So, go ahead and make their dorm room the most admired, well-decorated, coordinated and well-stocked on the floor, but don't drive away without truly preparing them for what lies ahead.  In the end, they will be thankful and they will thrive.Good luck to all!  Go get 'em frosh!