Thoughts On Weddings As The Mother Of The Groom...
My eldest son, my first born; the one that changed it all for me, took one giant, gleeful leap away from me and into the life of another woman when he got married. None of it should have been surprising as all mothers of sons know and, hope, that this day will eventually come. We recognize that some other woman will become the one who will know all of his secrets, who will kiss his boo-boos and who will hold him when he is scared. And so, when that day came for me, I stood in the second row of the church, watching him as he stood next to his brother, his best man, smiling with a full heart in front of his family and his friends waiting for her to appear, his joy radiating from his adorable little boy face. As a family, it was truly one of our happiest moments. As parents, we all experience bliss when we watch our kids light up with joy, when we see them reap the rewards of having made wonderful decisions or when we are fortunate to witness one of their dreams coming true. Our son's face at the altar was one of those moments and to experience our daughter-in-law become one of us is something we all count ourselves lucky to have been a part of.
Weddings are exhausting and planning them can be as dangerous as navigating a minefield. Ideas became obsessive and compulsive Pinterest projects, budgets became as pliable as Stretch Armstrong, and as months of time dwindled to days and then to hours, I learned more than I care to know about online invitation paper thicknesses and fonts, about cake decorating and mason jar fairy lights and the inexhaustible way in which burlap can be utilized. Along the way, as they often do, my son taught me some lessons about the wedding planning process and more importantly, about being a successful "MOG." (mother of the groom).
Here Are 5 Things I Learned:
1. Communicate: A wedding is a lovely thing and represents the coming together of two families. In order for it to be a successful union, right from the start it is imperative to have a conversation to discuss everyone's expectations. Start with the bride and groom. What is their vision for their wedding? How does their vision match up with their family's? Is it important that the marriage ceremony take place in a church? Is a destination wedding something anyone is interested in doing? Perhaps the most difficult questions will revolve around the financing of this event. What's the budget and who is paying? Traditional roles are changing and oftentimes both families contribute, as do the bride and groom themselves. Nothing can go forward until those issues are resolved. So communicate and do so EARLY!
2. Have a plan, but don't fall in love with the plan: Flexibility is key. Every future bride and groom has an idea of what they want for the day they get married and every parent has his own idea about the day. It's possible that your idea about your son's big day doesn't include a beach in Jamaica and jerked lobster. Or perhaps, the Justice of the Peace with a two hour cocktail and finger sandwich reception wasn't your concept for your daughter's big day. We all have our plans, but what's important is that you are prepared to reinvent, reconsider and even reject your plan. That big church wedding you had in mind might just turn out to be a bonfire on a beach with Coors Lights...and hot dogs, and not even the "in a blanket" kind. Let it go.
3. Pick your battles: Just when your frustrations reaches an all time high, remember: it's their day. Sure, later in life while watching the video, they will no doubt regret their choice to have a conga line, and that is your moment to say I told you so, but for now, be quiet. Or at least be quiet about most of it. If you have your "must haves" then say so and be prepared to negotiate. If Aunt Janie MUST sing "Endless Love" at the service, then be prepared to accept something that horrifies you as much as Aunt Janie's voice horrifies your bride and groom. Choose those battles wisely. Payback for Aunt Janie could be life altering.
4. Repeat this Mantra: "It's not about me:" I had my wedding over 30 years ago. This day is about my son and his fiancee. No one cares about my dress, or the damn earrings for which I searched multiple counties. I may want the short, frilly, tutu party dress in sunflower yellow, but if the bride is looking for a neutral palate and a black tie reception, I need to behave. Whether or not traditional rules for weddings still apply doesn't matter. The bride and her mom rule the day. Of course the groom’s family is important your son is getting married too, but we women all know that the bride is the queen and her mom is the queen mum. Step back...follow their lead and join when asked. My daughter is well aware what I'll be like when it's her turn...They should start to prepare the red carpet now.
5. Give opinions when asked or only when a choice may prove embarrassing for life: I’d like to ask my own mother what she was possibly thinking when, thirty years ago I tried on my headpiece and said, "It’s perfect." Was she in the restroom? She let me walk down the aisle in a headpiece an eagle colony could’ve inhabited. So, when helping to plan my son's wedding, if I was asked, I felt free to give opinions, but did so CAREFULLY. If you are ever asked if karaoke at the reception is a good idea and if the groom should sing "New York, New York," say no, but do it gently, and you all know what I think of conga lines...
6. Enjoy! I loved the whole process. At times it was challenging, at times it was exhausting, but we had an amazing time celebrating a wonderful new couple. Two families have successfully been joined and had a memorable time doing it. Maintain open communication and respect boundaries and you can all have the day of your dreams, which will hopefully lead to the lifetime of happiness we all wish for our kids. Cheers!