You Do You

“Should I stay or should I go now?

 Should I stay or should I go now?

If I go, there will be trouble

And if I stay it will be double

So come on and let me know.

This indecision’s bugging me….”

When I went to bed a few nights ago, people were still dying, scientists still knew little about the way Covid-19 functions, and a cure, or even a proven treatment, was months, if not, years away. Nevertheless, in our state, one of the most hard hit, golf courses and parks were due to open the next day. People rejoiced and tee times filled up in minutes. Texts starting coming in full of plans to meet, to play golf and tennis, and to gather together. 

I’m so confused.

Every night for months, I’ve been sipping my corona- Koolaid with a resounding “cheers” and solid clink of the glass. I repeatedly wipe down every package and surface, use Instacart to stay out of grocery stores, and slather lotion on my raw and chapped hands. I stay home because I’m a believer that recognizes that I am responsible for, not only my own health, but the health and safety of others. As a person that does not scare easily, the news of the last few months has done a damn good job of scaring the shit out of me. Every time I cough, I envision the masked EMT arriving at my door to carry me out. I visualize what it will be like to die alone while my family listens to my last breath via FaceTime, Houseparty or Zoom. Worse, I shudder at the thought of it not being me and is, instead, one of my kids, my husband or my parents alone in that hospital bed surrounded by doctors and nurses in PPE the likes of which we’ve only seen in movies.

So what has changed?

I try to remind myself that the stay-at-home orders were never meant to keep us from contracting this virus, rather, the sacrifices we made by staying at home were to keep us all from contracting it at the same time; an effort to allow hospitals to avoid being overrun, and to help to protect the most vulnerable. Once this is accomplished to whatever level the powers that be consider acceptable, I try to understand the reasons to open the economy and to consider that staying home for months on end waiting for a cure isn’t necessarily the right thing to do either. It’s impossible to come to terms with believing that some loss of life is ever acceptable, yet it’s also becoming more clear that people’s lives are being endangered by lack of access to medical procedures and tests, that mental health issues are being exacerbated and that suicide, domestic violence, child abuse and poverty rates are up.The unemployment rates are staggering, creating both a short and long term cost that is impossible to measure. There is no doubt that poverty kills.

So do we stay or do we go now?

What will it feel like the first time we get together even in a responsible, social-distanced, masked way? To be honest, I’m really apprehensive, which frustrates me because I’ve never been averse to risk. I love to fly in small planes. I scuba dive, ski, bungee jump, wear white after Labor Day and before Easter. I color my own hair when necessary. If the opportunity arose, I’d sky dive tomorrow. I’m always the first to remind people that you could always get run over by a bus. Yet, today, I feel like I’m in a post-apocalyptic movie, and The Clash keeps running through by head: “This indecision’s bugging me…” And it’s really bugging me. Most people who know me would not describe me as indecisive or without opinions. . Thanks to coronavirus, I have become crippled by analysis paralysis, arguing both sides of the stay or go decision in my head and, often, aloud. So often, in fact, that my poor husband’s begun to look at me with apprehension every time he enters the room, wondering which version of me he’s about to encounter. 

If I go there will be trouble…

The other night while standing in the kitchen anxiously awaiting our pizza delivery, I said, “I’m going to go play tennis tomorrow with Pam.” “Sounds good,” he answered. Compelled to explain further, and to convince myself, I said, “We’ll bring our own balls, wear masks and just play singles so we’re far away from each other.” He nodded in assent. Then I heard the crunch of gravel in the driveway and saw the Doordash guy drop our pizza onto the front porch. Springing into action, I grabbed the gloves, the mask and the cookie sheets I’d prepared in advance, took my husband’s arm and, warned, “Don’t bring it inside. Slide the pizza out of the box onto the tray outside, then bring it in and I’ll reheat it in the oven so we can kill the germs.” He looked at me, raised his eyebrows and tilted his slowly shaking head. “I’ve got to do all this and you’re going to play tennis tomorrow?” I conceded the point.

This indecision’s bugging me…and apparently him as well.

The other day was one of my oldest and dearest friend’s, birthday. Instead of singing “Happy Birthday” to her over Eggs Benedict during our longstanding tradition of breakfast out, I had to make do with singing to her over the phone. The singing of “Happy Birthday” normally evokes images of smiling people blowing out candles surrounded by friends, but now, unfortunately, I’m reminded of the scrub, flip, scrub, and rinse of ritualistically washing my hands. After suffering through my typical off-key rendition and catching up on all of our adult kids’ lives, we inevitably got around to talking about the coronavirus and all of our fear and indecision about what to do going forward. We went back and forth, and started to realize that it wasn’t up to us to decide what was best for the whole damn world, we just needed to focus on ourselves and how we felt about it. Then she shared some much needed perspective when she said, “My new mantra is you do you. If you feel comfortable in the situation, do it, and if not, don’t.” 

You do You

After I hung up, I felt pounds lighter; not quite as light as my pre-coronavirus self, that will take more than a few words of enlightenment to change. Her message was a simple, yet powerful one and it helped me to realize that the burden of deciding what is right for everyone in every situation isn’t mine. The only decision I need to make is to decide what is right for me and to do it on my own timetable. Stepping back into this crazy world right now feels a little like it did stepping off the high dive in 5th grade. I was scared of what the fall would feel like, afraid I’d land on my face, and terrified I’d never come back up for air. Yet, in 5th grade, on my own timetable, I walked to the end of the high dive, looked down, and leapt. When I resurfaced, I came up smiling, exhilarated by the whole experience. I survived.

So, should I stay or should I go now?

Today, I think what’s best for me is to stay. Soon, I think I’ll go. It’s my decision.

You do you.