Must Have Tequila: 10 Suggestions For Successful Family Christmas Tree Decorating

      Tis the season, and that means that this Saturday our family will gather together to head out hoping to find the mother lode; our version of the "Griswold Family Christmas Tree."  Like the Griswolds, we believe that you should get a tree as big as your room or you can handle and only when you are 70, can you have a little one or, God forbid, a fake one. (Disclaimer:  I will allow for fake trees for those with allergies)  This weekend our aim is to locate, wrestle, mutilate and finally decorate our tree all while managing to lose no fingers or toes to frostbite, to keep the car with a 12-14 foot tree on top of it on the road and us out of a ditch, and lose no lives due to electrocution by testing the limits of the recommended number of light strands one should string together. In order to ensure success, over the years we have perfected a routine that allows us to end up on Sunday night with a decorated tree, aglow and glorious, and all of us alive, still speaking to each other and with our Christmas spirit intact.  Here are our suggestions for success:1.  Under no circumstances should you cut down your own tree.  Listen, I get it and we did this for years.  It's romantic; it's exciting, and its nuts.  We rode out on a hay wagon with Santa driving the cute horses or tractor.  We searched, and searched, and searched some more.  We argued and then got soaked when kids started to roll around in the snow ten seconds after getting off the cart.  We literally froze our asses off when we were left out in the fields so long that eventually someone had to squat in the snow.  Instead, I implore you, go to a nice lot, wander for a while until you feel sufficiently, but not dangerously frozen, then find that lovely high school boy in his Carhart suit and point to the tree you want.  Then get into the office and warm up while they net it up for you.2.  Include a meal out after you've gotten the tree:  Let's face it, it's no fun to drive directly home.  You've got to spend more time on the road with a tree precariously roped on top.  You know you want to show off the tie up job you've done, plus you want people out there to see the mother lode on the roof.  It's also great fun to look out of the restaurant and see your car with an enormous tree on top of it; it's evidence of a job well done.  Best of all, it's an excuse to go eat ridiculously fattening and greasy food.  We love a good diner for eggs benedict, waffles, potatoes and anything else we can think of because we've earned it; it's been a helluva morning so far and we are going to need our strength for what comes next.3.  Pre-game:  I cannot emphasize this enough.  So now that you've made it home with a tree still on the roof and not being dragged by your car, you MUST be prepared for every conceivable mishap. I kid you not; I have boxes of extra lights, hooks, wire and even a stand-by stand in case the tree is really out of control huge that year, all ready to go.  Don't get home, get the tree off the car and have lights that don't light and a stand that's only capable of holding some dinky Charlie Brown tree.  You will never witness a faster mutiny; something I have learned from experience.  When they all look at you as if you were the biggest ass on the planet, all you can do is stand there and say, "Inconceivable, I know."4.  Set the scene:  Make a nice warm fire in the fireplace and get some hot chocolate ready. If you are really adventurous, once you are no longer ill from breakfast, make chocolate fondue with all the fixings.  Decorating is definitely a job, but if it's fun it can become one of your favorite family traditions. If your kids are young or even just nostalgic, put the old Christmas shows like Rudolph on TV, or at least in my house, play Christmas music and sing along, to help drown out the "Jesus H. Christ, who messed with these lights?  I put them away perfectly last year and now they are completely effed up" screaming that we count on every year to add to the Christmas magic.5. Just say the tree is straight even if it isn't:  Listen, after two hours of grappling with a 12- foot tree, watching the three men in my family try to get it into the stand and not to come to blows or throw out any backs, I urge you to just go with "it looks perfect."  Trust me, even if it's not, you won't care in about two days.  Plus after a week or so, branches start to droop because everyone fights about who has to water it, so, when no one does, the droop starts pretty damn quick.  Then, it's perfectly straight.6.  Divide and conquer:  No matter what I do, it seems that my kids leave me with almost all of the ornaments to put on the tree myself.  On a 12-foot tree, this makes for a shitload of ornaments.  As much fun as it is, by now, my forearms are itchy, I've got sap all over me and I'm pretty much ready to stop begging kids to help and start smacking them instead.  Now may be a good time to start drinking especially since we've already decided that the tree is straight. (See #7).  My solution to this problem has been to divide up ornaments by telling kids that certain ones are "theirs."  Everyone gets a pile and is responsible for hanging those him or herself.  Typically, over the years, I've given each kid an ornament every year that in some way captures something about them; either a hobby, or a place they've visited etc.  With a little ownership, they are now willing to hang their own and can get really motivated when I play one off the other and say something like, "Hey, Jake, Shannon is hanging the lacrosse ornament!"  That usually gets him moving.  Hey, you gotta do what you've gotta do.7.  Have alcohol: For all of the adults in the room, this makes the Joy of Christmas, and you know what I mean.  After a few hours of moving ladders, untangling lights, and keeping dogs from lifting their legs into the side of the tree, or cats from climbing it, a little spiked eggnog, a hot toddy, or perhaps a warm, cinnamon spiced rum might be in order.  For me, it's tequila; always, rain or shine, warm or cold, beach or ski slope. Tree procurement and decorating is a serious business and its demands call for some sort of celebratory cocktail.  Make it festive and fruity; make it icy cold, or body tingling hot, but just do it.  Include the kids and let them have hot chocolate, eggnog or apple cider.  But for mom and dad, it might be time for a little help or a few angels and Santas might get smashed to smithereens, or tossed into the fire.  Again, I am speaking from experience here.8.  Pace Yourself:  It's a long day from hunting and gathering to finished product.  As a matter of fact, in my house, it's a weekend.  We hunt, gather, and eat, and then we get it into the stand, wired to the wall (It's HUGE see #9) and with lights on by the end of Saturday.  On Sunday, we watch football and put up the ornaments.  I did this originally because it was just too much to handle in one day and got to be such a nightmare that we sucked the joy right out of the event.  I also realized that it takes a day for the tree to settle and allow the branches to drop a bit.  By waiting until the next day to do the ornaments, we've saved ourselves from hearing innumerable ornaments smash to the floor that first night.  Now, we relax, enjoy each other's company and pace ourselves.  Knowing that the whole thing doesn't have to be done in one day takes the pressure off and makes it a much more enjoyable family day.9.  Wire the tree to the wall:  We were young, we were stupid, and we thought we knew it all.  We got the tree up, lights on, decorated and gorgeous.  We enjoyed our handiwork, we were so proud of ourselves.  That night, we were awakened with a crash, ran downstairs to see our tree toppled over into the fireplace, smashing all lights and ornaments on one side.  I took one look at my husband and said, "Your dad told you he always wires it.  Why didn't you wire it?"  He had no good answer or at least none I was interested in hearing.  Don't say no one ever told you:  WIRE YOUR TREE!10.  Have a great time:  This is supposed to be fun.  It's supposed to bring family together and bring joy.  Remember, it's always gorgeous when it's done, it always brings you such happiness and you are always glad you did it.  Next year you will once again discuss getting a fake one and once again you will say and be right, "That's so lame; no sense of adventure."Wish us luck and think of us this weekend!