The Sounds of Christmas
Merry Christmas one and all. I hope yours was a merry, joyful and healthy one! At my house, we entertained many guests over many days including my own children, my parents, my in-laws, and other relatives and friends. Here's a mere sampling of what it sounded like:"Good morning! Merry Christmas.It's freezing in here. Don't you people have heat?Has anyone fed the dogs; those poor things.You know if you don't water this tree it'll be dead before the New Year.This is ridiculous doesn't Santa know these are already the most spoiled children on the planet?Someone light a fire. Is there coffee? Where do you keep the sweet and low? If you left it with the coffee, no one would ever have to ask again.When are you getting a haircut? Is that what you're wearing? How can you find anything in this room?It might be time to replace these couches.Why did he get more than me? I'm out of presents and the 25 year old is still opening. There is a lot wrong with this picture. You always liked him better.It wouldn't have been the dumbest idea to have made this kitchen bigger when you did the renovation.Who is in the bathroom? Is there NO hot water left?Someone needs to take out the garbage.Tell me we are not out of butter.Is the damn ice cream cake still in the outdoor freezer?Who drank the last Guinness?I've never been so full in my life.We are out of toilet paper in the downstairs bathroom.Who ate the last Tums?This is the dumbest show on television.I just beat level 23 on Candy Crush. Sonofabitch, I'm timed out again. Ever play Fairway Golf?Why can't I go out with my friends?These people will never leave.Where's the good Scotch?"Anchorman" is hilarious. "Anchorman is the dumbest movie I've ever seen.It's like Alaska cold in my room. I haven't slept in three days it's so cold in this house.I drove them to the bus last time, it's your turn. There's no gas in my car.Who made the Brie thingies? I'm starving. I'm sure you saved all the good food for the other side of the family.Where's the wine? I couldn't have drunk it all.Someone stole my coat.Is it me, or were you thinner last year?You cannot burn foil wrap in the fireplace. You are an idiot.I swear, I'm never eating again. Treadmill? Don't be ridiculous.My stomach is LITERALLY on my lap.Why do I always get the aerobed? You really do like him better.Where's the plunger?The dog ate the top layer of the cake!The dog is puking...The sweat is pouring off me.Those dogs stink. Why would anyone ever get two dogs?Where's my charger? Someone stole my charger.Can pork be this color?These cookies aren't as good as Nana's. "A" for effort though...no, really.Don't go near the downstairs bathroom if you value your life.Hang up the damn wet towels! Is anyone doing laundry?These stairs are killing me.Is anyone else warm?I'm going to bed. Someone turn out the lights. Lock up.I need a drink.Merry Christmas everyone..."